Wonder how much can circumstances change a man? It may change his personality, it might change his looks. But it changed my resolution. It is like there is a hulk living inside of me, waiting for enough anger to burst out in all its glory.
This is my stand now. I shall spit fire when I need to, say hurtful stuff if I have to. No more of suffering in silence, no more of keeping quiet and seeing how it goes. No more. Or maybe less, I don't know. I shall just let the raging beast inside surprise me.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Sunday, April 28, 2013
You Know Who I Am
I feel so... Betrayed. Although I expect things to go the way I want it, although the end is how I expected it to be, the way it is happening is not. I wanted myself to be the one that admit the end. To say that this is it. To tell that this is as far as I can go. I want to be the one doing it. Me. Now it just feels like I was forced to accept the fact, to swallow the bitter pill. To acknowledge something that I would have done otherwise, just at a different time. I don't know how they feel, maybe they feel guilty as well. Maybe they feel glad that this is finally happening. Maybe they feel. Maybe. But for now, betrayed is what I feel.
And yes, this is affecting my mood in every bloody thing I do. Leading a cell, playing the bass, hanging out with friends, working, I cannot take this out of my mind. It's bugging me, weighing me down, making me feel so insecure. It is making me doubt, making me wary, of everything that is going on, every word said, every action. Feels like everyone is whispering behind my back. And I hate that. We'll see this Friday. I am prepared to drop a few bombs of my own. We'll see.
Watched Ironman 3 just a few hours ago. One scene shows Stark leaving a note behind, saying 'You Know Who I Am'. Identity. He knows who he is. Something that cannot be taken away from him. The fact that he is Ironman. I wish I can do that someday. Knowing who I am. Even if I leave a note to others, they wouldn't even know who I am. They only know what is on the surface. But beneath that suit of armour? Beneath the cocoon that holds the true person underneath? Do you really know who I am? Do I really know who I am?
Hanged out today after watching Ironman. Just didn't want to be alone. I feel so lonely in this world sometimes. With the people I care for doing things behind my back, with people I cannot trust, I don't even know how to live anymore. Just wanted to feel human warmth in the form of a simple friendship. Don't really want to wind up being best friends with a computer named JARVIS and have a whole bunch of metal suits to party with. Although the metal suit part is kind of what is happening now, given the emptiness of the people I care about. So yup, back to the point. I am going to pull the plug on Friday. Can't live on with a metal shard trying to squeeze its way into my heart. Can't live with a ring of light on my chest. It's a terrible privilege, but unlike the heroes on the screen, I don't want to live with it anymore.
And yes, this is affecting my mood in every bloody thing I do. Leading a cell, playing the bass, hanging out with friends, working, I cannot take this out of my mind. It's bugging me, weighing me down, making me feel so insecure. It is making me doubt, making me wary, of everything that is going on, every word said, every action. Feels like everyone is whispering behind my back. And I hate that. We'll see this Friday. I am prepared to drop a few bombs of my own. We'll see.
Watched Ironman 3 just a few hours ago. One scene shows Stark leaving a note behind, saying 'You Know Who I Am'. Identity. He knows who he is. Something that cannot be taken away from him. The fact that he is Ironman. I wish I can do that someday. Knowing who I am. Even if I leave a note to others, they wouldn't even know who I am. They only know what is on the surface. But beneath that suit of armour? Beneath the cocoon that holds the true person underneath? Do you really know who I am? Do I really know who I am?
Hanged out today after watching Ironman. Just didn't want to be alone. I feel so lonely in this world sometimes. With the people I care for doing things behind my back, with people I cannot trust, I don't even know how to live anymore. Just wanted to feel human warmth in the form of a simple friendship. Don't really want to wind up being best friends with a computer named JARVIS and have a whole bunch of metal suits to party with. Although the metal suit part is kind of what is happening now, given the emptiness of the people I care about. So yup, back to the point. I am going to pull the plug on Friday. Can't live on with a metal shard trying to squeeze its way into my heart. Can't live with a ring of light on my chest. It's a terrible privilege, but unlike the heroes on the screen, I don't want to live with it anymore.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Half a year
Been awfully busy lately, to the point of refusing to bring my laptop home to play games. Enough of that screen, and time to touch the iPad. Seriously, why am I working till the point there is no motivation to work anymore? Problems are endless, more problems are created rather than solved, office politics, the list just goes on and on...
On a happier note, it's Thursday, and Friday is coming soon. Weekends, although still busy, keeps me away from all the rubbish that needs to be dealt with at work. Guess this is how life is going to be. Joseph waited for years before his dreams came true and prophecies fulfilled. Years. I cannot even take a few months of this crap, let alone a few years. Patience is what I need now. Divine patience to get past this phase. Or to die in it. Either way works fine now.
People complain about depression. But that is just medicalization at its best. What depression? I hereby call it 'Not being able to deal with shit'. So yup, I am not going to get depression. Going to pull myself together and deal with this shit. I know this is not my usual language, but societal norms have prevented me from being able to express this nicely, so Fuck yea...
On a happier note, it's Thursday, and Friday is coming soon. Weekends, although still busy, keeps me away from all the rubbish that needs to be dealt with at work. Guess this is how life is going to be. Joseph waited for years before his dreams came true and prophecies fulfilled. Years. I cannot even take a few months of this crap, let alone a few years. Patience is what I need now. Divine patience to get past this phase. Or to die in it. Either way works fine now.
People complain about depression. But that is just medicalization at its best. What depression? I hereby call it 'Not being able to deal with shit'. So yup, I am not going to get depression. Going to pull myself together and deal with this shit. I know this is not my usual language, but societal norms have prevented me from being able to express this nicely, so Fuck yea...
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Paradise
Oblivion. The title of the movie that brought about some questions which was buried since the movie Inception. What if it was all a lie? What if we were created one second ago, along with all the memories that we have of life as we know it? What if we are working towards a goal that was never there? What if?
Enough of mind boggling thoughts, it is bad enough knowing tomorrow is Monday, lie or not. The thing about movies though, it was always about a person that did not go with the flow, did not abide by the rules. It is always that person who did not follow the regulations that realize that the paradise was an illusion and saves the day and wins the girl. Is it that rewarding to step out of line? Many tried it, only to end up getting 'what they deserved'. Rules are put there for a reason, and not following will result in death, as inspired by The Croods. But is this what we truly deserve? Will going against the social norm really result in imminent catastrophe? We are trained since young to abide by it, but why then are movies telling otherwise? Does the rebel really gain more than the average Joe?
In the end, can we all report through the intercom, saying that we were 'an effective team'?
Enough of mind boggling thoughts, it is bad enough knowing tomorrow is Monday, lie or not. The thing about movies though, it was always about a person that did not go with the flow, did not abide by the rules. It is always that person who did not follow the regulations that realize that the paradise was an illusion and saves the day and wins the girl. Is it that rewarding to step out of line? Many tried it, only to end up getting 'what they deserved'. Rules are put there for a reason, and not following will result in death, as inspired by The Croods. But is this what we truly deserve? Will going against the social norm really result in imminent catastrophe? We are trained since young to abide by it, but why then are movies telling otherwise? Does the rebel really gain more than the average Joe?
In the end, can we all report through the intercom, saying that we were 'an effective team'?
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Reminders
Went over to a friends house today. Thought I was doing them a favour. Ended up getting one. This week has been timely reminders after reminders. Reminder to give thanks for the little things. Reminder to pray for the workplace and work. Reminder of why I am serving in the ministry I am in. Reminder of who I really am. Hearing all those small little testimonies of great works and miracles done by the Supernatural makes me wonder if I had grown numb, became insensitive to the details that I need to notice.
So before I forget, I want to thank God for what I have now. A job that came when I needed one. A cell for me to train as a leader. A ministry to continue to serve God and His people. Family. Friends. Life. And thank God for reminding me to thank Him.
And two things I ask for. Two small wishes that I hope could make me a better person. Wisdom and courage. Wisdom to know how to deal with situations the correct way, Courage to stand up and deal with it. Wisdom to say what is right, Courage to dare to say it. Wisdom to plan, Courage to execute. This is two small things I pray for. And pray for it I shall.
So before I forget, I want to thank God for what I have now. A job that came when I needed one. A cell for me to train as a leader. A ministry to continue to serve God and His people. Family. Friends. Life. And thank God for reminding me to thank Him.
And two things I ask for. Two small wishes that I hope could make me a better person. Wisdom and courage. Wisdom to know how to deal with situations the correct way, Courage to stand up and deal with it. Wisdom to say what is right, Courage to dare to say it. Wisdom to plan, Courage to execute. This is two small things I pray for. And pray for it I shall.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Epic
Never did a day feel so eventful... Too many crazy stuff happened at the same time. An impulsive message, an unweighted reaction, an irrational thought. Sometimes I wonder if sanity exists anymore. Oh wells, too lazy to post about it, especially after dealing with it all...
What I want to point out though, is a quote/verse that has resurfaced recently and I just can't seem to get my mind off it. 1 Corinthians 10:13 - No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. Simply put, that is just the Bible saying 'With Great Power comes Great Responsibility'. Although this verse has mostly been mis-interpreted as saying God will not give us a burden too great for us to bear, let us assume the interpretation today (opinions are for the self, not the community). And it is such a comforting thought knowing that this thing really does happen in sequence. You are not given the Great Responsibility first before getting the power to deal with it. The power comes first. The web slinger gets the ability to shoot webs before he took down his first villain. He didn't have to deal with the Green Goblin without his super powers. And neither did any of the other superheroes. So when the responsibilities come, hold fast to the promise that we have been fully equipped with enough power to deal with it. (Of course, being able to shoot webs accurately comes with practice 😊)
Would like to end this post with an old song from Five for Fighting - Superman. We are all superheroes in our individual lives, to someone out there who looks at you and admires you for who you are. But always remember, even heroes have the right to bleed, the right to dream. It's not easy to be me.
What I want to point out though, is a quote/verse that has resurfaced recently and I just can't seem to get my mind off it. 1 Corinthians 10:13 - No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. Simply put, that is just the Bible saying 'With Great Power comes Great Responsibility'. Although this verse has mostly been mis-interpreted as saying God will not give us a burden too great for us to bear, let us assume the interpretation today (opinions are for the self, not the community). And it is such a comforting thought knowing that this thing really does happen in sequence. You are not given the Great Responsibility first before getting the power to deal with it. The power comes first. The web slinger gets the ability to shoot webs before he took down his first villain. He didn't have to deal with the Green Goblin without his super powers. And neither did any of the other superheroes. So when the responsibilities come, hold fast to the promise that we have been fully equipped with enough power to deal with it. (Of course, being able to shoot webs accurately comes with practice 😊)
Would like to end this post with an old song from Five for Fighting - Superman. We are all superheroes in our individual lives, to someone out there who looks at you and admires you for who you are. But always remember, even heroes have the right to bleed, the right to dream. It's not easy to be me.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Le Ant
Really interesting thought implanted today. How exactly can we even begin to measure God's love? The closest we can imagine would be us as humans willing to die for the sake of an ant. Like throwing ourselves in front of a speeding train just because an ant is crawling across. How far would you go to save an ant?
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Closure
And at last, after 3 years of suffering, of complaining, of stress. After 3 years of friendship, of laughter, of memories. And after more than $30,000 spent in this endeavour, I graduated. Of course I was glad that it is finally over. The nights spent cramming words into an already filled brain, investing in different coloured pens to draw clear and concise graphs, and the endless feast of fast food just to get the right to sit and mug in the restaurant. It is finally over.
And as reality sets in during graduation, one certain student who was given the privilege to mutter is own opinion of his 3 years, quoted Spiderman. Overused phrase, but nonetheless impactful. With great power, comes great responsibility. And that really got me thinking. Yes, it is not exactly great power that we have attained, but we must be prepared for greater responsibilities to come. Life will never be just about memorizing notes. Never again will there be a pop quiz or test to gauge your readiness for what's coming. It is now. Greater power with even greater responsibilities.
Which leaves me with a burning question: What's next? My life has been planned since the day I was born till now, more than 20 years that I have spent being part of someone else's plans. Now it is finally time for me to step on stage. Time for me to say my lines, to play my part, to be the person I trained so hard to be all the way till now. But that question still remains, What exactly is my part? What should I act as? What's next?
And as reality sets in during graduation, one certain student who was given the privilege to mutter is own opinion of his 3 years, quoted Spiderman. Overused phrase, but nonetheless impactful. With great power, comes great responsibility. And that really got me thinking. Yes, it is not exactly great power that we have attained, but we must be prepared for greater responsibilities to come. Life will never be just about memorizing notes. Never again will there be a pop quiz or test to gauge your readiness for what's coming. It is now. Greater power with even greater responsibilities.
Which leaves me with a burning question: What's next? My life has been planned since the day I was born till now, more than 20 years that I have spent being part of someone else's plans. Now it is finally time for me to step on stage. Time for me to say my lines, to play my part, to be the person I trained so hard to be all the way till now. But that question still remains, What exactly is my part? What should I act as? What's next?
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