You Know Who I Am

I feel so... Betrayed. Although I expect things to go the way I want it, although the end is how I expected it to be, the way it is happening is not. I wanted myself to be the one that admit the end. To say that this is it. To tell that this is as far as I can go. I want to be the one doing it. Me. Now it just feels like I was forced to accept the fact, to swallow the bitter pill. To acknowledge something that I would have done otherwise, just at a different time. I don't know how they feel, maybe they feel guilty as well. Maybe they feel glad that this is finally happening. Maybe they feel. Maybe. But for now, betrayed is what I feel.

And yes, this is affecting my mood in every bloody thing I do. Leading a cell, playing the bass, hanging out with friends, working, I cannot take this out of my mind. It's bugging me, weighing me down, making me feel so insecure. It is making me doubt, making me wary, of everything that is going on, every word said, every action. Feels like everyone is whispering behind my back. And I hate that. We'll see this Friday. I am prepared to drop a few bombs of my own. We'll see.

Watched Ironman 3 just a few hours ago. One scene shows Stark leaving a note behind, saying 'You Know Who I Am'. Identity. He knows who he is. Something that cannot be taken away from him. The fact that he is Ironman. I wish I can do that someday. Knowing who I am. Even if I leave a note to others, they wouldn't even know who I am. They only know what is on the surface. But beneath that suit of armour? Beneath the cocoon that holds the true person underneath? Do you really know who I am? Do I really know who I am?

Hanged out today after watching Ironman. Just didn't want to be alone. I feel so lonely in this world sometimes. With the people I care for doing things behind my back, with people I cannot trust, I don't even know how to live anymore. Just wanted to feel human warmth in the form of a simple friendship. Don't really want to wind up being best friends with a computer named JARVIS and have a whole bunch of metal suits to party with. Although the metal suit part is kind of what is happening now, given the emptiness of the people I care about. So yup, back to the point. I am going to pull the plug on Friday. Can't live on with a metal shard trying to squeeze its way into my heart. Can't live with a ring of light on my chest. It's a terrible privilege, but unlike the heroes on the screen, I don't want to live with it anymore.