What now?

Many have asked when I am tendering, quitting this job that has been exploiting me for months, when am I going to go out, stretch my wings and reach my maximum potential. I made it clear that I have promised to stay for at least a year in this job, and that promise expired on the first day of October. Nonetheless, I am continuing at this job because 1. there might be a year end bonus, you never know, 2. I believe job market should be better start of next year, so quit then and start looking then, and 3. I have more things to worry about (church camp), so I rather hold a job that allows me to worry about those stuff even during working hours.

I am a rational human being. This is my choice. As much as my inner self struggles to get out, to rage quit, to just let go now, I know that it is best to follow the planned route. There is so much more to life than selling time for money. 

Break

Been some time since I updated here, since no one reads it anyway. But since it is my way of keeping track of life, here goes.

I made up a perfect analogy of the current workplace situation last night. Previously, when there are two directors in the company, it was like the perfect situation. The angel and the devil, the good guy vs the bad guy, Light vs Darkness. It was a state of equilibrium where we can go to the angel after being ill treated by the devil, complaining, and at least get a listening ear to our problems, knowing that someone on the upper level knows what is going on and is willing to offer us a helping hand. 

About 2 months ago that angel left. What remains is the devil and his hellhole. And no one likes to live in hell. This is the worst possible situation to ever be in. To know that you are being paid too little, overworked, assigned tasks that are not in your scope of work and totally not related to your expertise, with only a reason saying 'I AM GIVING YOU A CHANCE TO LEARN'. Pardon my language, but fuck that shit, I am not staying for this crap.

Trying to be a rational human being, quitting after getting a bonus (which I highly doubt, given the poor performace of the company after Mr Angel left, and the devil being one that does not even pay the least attention to details such as public holidays, off in lieu, pay slips, etc.). Hopefully my already wearing thin patience can last just 7 weeks more...

Here we go again

Supper with a friend late at night is just so heart warming. To be able to sit down and chill, talk nonsense, and share your heart out about how shitty work is, how terrible life is, this is how life should be. But more importantly, to encourage and to be encouraged. To know that someone out there is still concerned about your wellbeing and that you mean something to someone. Remember how humans are all social animals? That will never change. And the satisfaction from knowing that you have played your social role well is so heart warming.

Encouragement. People are so stingy with it nowadays. With Asian culture being taught as 'pointing out flaws and things to correct' being the way for improvement to happen, praise is becoming a rare commodity. With a simple few words that could spur someone on to greater heights, why not choose the nice ones? Not saying that harsh words will not help, some do achieve greater things through being put down by others, but it is really just that few words that someone acknowledges and recognises your efforts that makes unbearable tasks seem a bit more bearable.

So encourage someone today. Give credit when credit is due. And may the world be a better place to live in for a while more.

Welcome to my Life

Do you ever feel like breaking down? Do you ever feel out of place? Like somehow you just don't belong, and no one understands you? Out of all the songs that speak to me, that makes me agree with the lyrics, and playing it over and over again only reinforces the point. So when this song surfaced from the playlist, I had some time to reflect on the lyrics. And as much as I wish to say that, as a Christian, Jesus knows me well enough, and that nothing else matters, I can't. I am human after all. Through billions of years of evolution, Homo Sapiens have come to put herd behaviour as an important part of survival. No one lives well alone. They can live, just not well. It is that much easier and better to group together. Humans yearn other humans. Be it communication, be it companionship, or be it someone that is physically there, even introverts need, and want to be around people. 

And what would be the next step? To be part of the group. To belong. To have a common ground shared with that trusted few. To form bonds. Guess I am getting too carried away. At the end of the day, like how the song goes: To be hurt. To feel lost. To be left out in the dark. To be kicked when you're down. To feel like you've been pushed around. To be on the edge of breaking down, and no one's there to save you. No you don't know what it's like. Welcome to my life.

Pacific Rim

To fight monsters, we created monsters of our own. That sentence is stuck in my head, ringing true every time I think about it. In this cruel world we live in, we suit up in our Jaegers daily, and march forth into the battlefield. We restart to war clock every 24 hours, we kill off gigantic aliens to survive, and at the end of each day we return to count our losses, repair our mechs, bend our wounds. And that 24 hours is up and the clock starts ticking again.

It is no wonder that we created monsters. The environment is harsh and hostile, and living will be impossible in such places. So we suck it up, we grew stronger. We started building ourselves up, training to be the creature that can survive. Darwin is right, only the fittest survives. So we build the toughest looking giant robot we can and stroll into war zone.

Funny thing about this movie is at the end of it all, when they were about to destroy the world the giant lizard/alien/godzilla and the portal in which they came from, it shows a world not too different than ours. So in this war, who is really right? Who has the authority to kill off the other species and be the last one standing? That's right. Whoever created the stronger monster.

White Lies

It has been quite a long time since I had done this. To sit down and ponder, think, look back on the past 12 years and ask myself one question: How did I come this far? Of course, there is the model answer of not giving up, striving continually, and keeping the engine warm. And there is also the not so model, yet most of the time true, answer. I sucked it up. Yes, marathons are a test not just on physical endurance, but mental as well. To continue to strive for the same thing for 12 years, one needs that stamina to last long enough. At least long enough for a few years. Yet many are beginners, first time on the field. First time putting on the running shoes, with no prior experience of the nightmare that follows. And that's where it usually happens. People run out of strength to continue. They crumble. They fall. Then there are those who push on, who keep going, who has enough willpower to fend off those negative thoughts. And then there is me. The type who did not exactly give up. Did not fall to the ground and give up. And yet I am not the type that continues running even when I have the strength and stamina to. I walk. See in the long run, momentum is the key. It gets tiring, boring even to do things day in day out, week after week, year after year. And as much as you enjoy it, it slowly becomes a burden at times, crippling you, trapping you. 

Back to the main point though, I sat down to think because I was asked to give a testimony. A sharing of my experiences in serving. Initial thought is: Are you trying to ask me to tell people it's awesome to be a servant for free? No rational person wants to be the servant. Darwin has taught us that it is the survival of the fittest. Climb high. Let others serve you. So what is my experience in serving? Well, save the once in a while moments that take your breath away, that sweeps you off your feet, that makes you feel indestructible, undefeatable, what about the rest of the moments? Moments when you feel lost, feel worthless, feel tired, on the verge of giving up, what about those moments? It wasn't always as bright as happy a picture as it seems. But then again, people smile for pictures.

Sadly to say, Singaporean are all about model answers, and that is what I am going to give them. That life is not perfect, but we can make it perfect. Ideologies that people like to hear blah blah blah. It will still ring of some truths, but not the entire picture. No, it will just be a tiny peek into the beautiful side of the story. I shall keep the dirty stuff to myself, leaving them with a nice white sheet.

Destination Unknown

Give me a direction, and I will run towards it with all my might.

Give me a goal, and I will strive towards it with all my strength.

Give me a reason, and I will live out the dream with all my heart and soul.

But give it to me I pray, give it to me.

Hate feeling this way. Hate feeling lost in the endless race for nothingness.

Hate feeling the emptiness inside. Hate having nothing to fill the void.

And I search, hoping one day I can find the answer to it all. 

To step out of the hamster wheel, to find the last piece of the puzzle.

But Life doesn't work that way, it is not that simple.

So I move on, every step ahead another challenge.

Waiting for the narrow road to appear.

But just as Darkness depends on Light,

The brighter the Light, the darker the Shadow.

Until the day I finally walk out of the shadow, I walk on.

?

Watched 2 movies over the weekend. One was about an alien that gains acceptance in a foreign planet because of his super human strength, speed, flight, xray vision, laser shooting out of his eyes, etc. Another was about 4 street magicians coming together to create a show that is so awesomely planned out so as to get accepted into a group of highly achieved professionals of their trade. Either way, it was both about doing something incredible to others, so as to gain acceptance.

With the shortage of alien genes and the swift fingers to create illusions, I ask, what can be done to gain acceptance? Is it the things you do, the things you say, or even simply being there to let your presence be felt, what is it? Living in the utilitarian world and economic society, we are often judged based on certain qualifications, skills that we have painstakingly nurtured and honed since young, with that one goal, that one aim to fit into society, to be accepted. But what if that was not everybody's goal? What if we strive to be different? The different ones are usually outcasted, viewed by sneering eyes, and lashed with spite. Society tends to have correcting mechanisms that tries to steer every soul to the accepted norms.

And so now when I look back, there was something that I missed out on learning. Something that is so simple yet crucial in living. I don't have courage. Yes, I might have the wisdom of the world, to know what to say, when to say it. But the heart fails. The brain works fine, but deep inside I can't draw out the courage to say things I want to say. Maybe it is due to me worrying more, about consequences, about downsides, about negativity which stops me from trying. Being risk averse has proven to be a natural survival instinct. But what if I don't want to just survive? What if I want to live? What should I say? What should I do? That is the riddle Life provides, and I am so lost right now.

Laos

I am not sure if this applies to everyone, but this is how I feel every time I return from an awesome trip. I think back on all the wonderful moments in that place, and compare them to the bleak life and future I am having now. And it really makes me wonder if I still want to be here. I have sung years and years of patriotic national day songs, recited the pledge thousands of times, and served my time as a national serviceman. But when I flew off into an unknown land, it felt so much more, familiar. The food is better, the services better, everything is that much better than home. 

Take for example this trip to Laos. I was not expecting much, more of enjoying the peace and quiet of a rural countryside was what I expected. Although not exactly a countryside, the stay has showed me a peaceful and quiet side of this forgotten land. Given that it was a low tourist season, it was as though we booked the entire town for ourselves. Many times we were the only people around, be it sightseeing, shopping, or having a meal at a restaurant. 

Now home just feels so crowded, if we are still calling it home that is. Don't really know why I am typing anymore, lost my trend of thought after a Skype call from a friend. But yes, I would love to revisit Laos, and other parts of IndoChina again.

Garang Guni

And here I am, Mr Garang Guni, typing with a spoilt bluetooth keyboard that is abandoned by my boss. Best part, it's still working, and it is FREE! Haha, typical Singaporean. Realised that I have not been posting anything recently, maybe it is due to the workload, coupled with multiple commitments. I am even doing this when I am at work. Oh wells, guess I better head back...

The Sun, The Sea, & The Garfish

It was less than 24 hours ago, but I already miss it. Waking up in the wee hours of the night to check on the fishing rods, gazing at the moon, waking a few hours later for the sunrise, having a lovely breakfast in the morning, lazing the day away. It was less than a day ago, but it was such a therapeutic  3 day 2 night at Blue Mountain Kelong at Batam. The comfort of sitting at the balcony, listening to the wind whispering its secrets, the waves singing their song, feeling the gentle breeze and the warm sun rays on your skin. I haven't even got to the smell of the salty sea wind there, the cooling feel of the wooden planks, sleeping in the view of a million stars and a full moon, the freshness of the seafood, the roaring performance by a thunderstorm, so many more things to talk about. And so many more things to experience.

It is in this times that I sit back and wonder what have I been doing with my life. Slogging hard day and night to gain utility, to achieve happiness. And finding it when I am stripped of all the daily rat race activities. Shouldn't happiness be achieved even through work? Shouldn't utility be gained while slogging it out? Instead we are adding burdens in our lives, putting many more responsibilities on our shoulders, that we are actually not happy about. Is this the way of life? Or is there more to it?

Idea

Funny how some ideas sneak up on you. Some come in the form of speech from people around you. Others come from the TV screen, movie screen, or any other screen, iPad, Samsung, Nexus, etc. But I love how this idea came about. The B-I-B-L-E. Honestly, this whole process of planning for a camp has been so confusing, so lost, and ever so challenging. Something this large scale, and nothing has been planned yet. Yet. After just a couple months of forming a team and meeting up, still nothing seems to be forming up. The skeleton is barely formed, bones still brittle. But this idea has been so enlightening. To wrap the entire camp around this passage, like how I wrap my fats around my muscles, has been the thing I was looking for. And I didn't even have to look for it. It just came. Thank God. :)

Glass Anatomy

Not an awesome plot, nor was anything especially eye catching (since I was sitting at the last row. Could have been different given the female lead), and far too many cliche. Only nice part was that the music was played live, even the sounds of a radio and such. That is the nice part.

This musical is about a girl chasing her dreams. The story goes with how tragic her background is, but how she strived and pursued this impossible dream. And reached it. Typical Cinderella story. It then goes on to show how much is sacrificed. In order to further her career, to continue reaching for the stars, she has to leave behind her friends, family, and love. When she finally realised how much she had left behind, she regretted, tried to turn things around, but it was too late.

I was reminded of something I read some time back from the manga The Fullmetal Alchemist. There was this law called the Law of Equivalent Exchange, where "In order to obtain or create something, something of equal value must be lost or destroyed." That was something I struggled with, and is still struggling with. I believe in this law, and that all humans are bound by it. To obtain or achieve something, something else must be sacrificed. Time for money, money for possessions, possessions for security, etc. Yes, different people have different priorities, which make this rule a little unbalanced. But it is a fact that we are constantly, unwillingly, being bound by such a rule, many times willingly. 

I like how this musical described life as a glass bottle. Clean, clear, and able to be filled. But once broken, once scratched, it is hard, even impossible, to return it to its formal glory. Trust me, I broke a glass pot lid just this Thursday. This is reality. There is no save point like in an RPG game. Once broken, it is so hard to revert back onto the right track. And the right track might not seem to be as easy to walk down once again. I like how this musical ended though. It was not as mind boggling an ending as Inception, but it did leave the audience hanging. So the protagonist realised the mistake, changed her ways, and tried to set her life straight. So what next? With finding her loved ones dead, missing and gone, what next? 

So chase your dreams. Chase it with all your heart. But do not forget your roots. For it is the roots that keep a tall tree standing. 

Still

I love the concept. To be still and enjoy the comfort in the moment that there is nothing at all. No movement, no noise, nothing disturbing the peace. But here is the problem. I am Singaporean. And stillness is a foreign concept to me. With things rushing by every single moment, and with the 'Time waits for no men' concept, there is no way I can keep myself doing nothing. That is defined as unproductive. As much as I want to do nothing, there is that nagging thought that this is unacceptable. And till I master the art of being still while in motion, let me throw myself into the swirling mess of activities we call life once again.

Letting Go

Easier said than done. Full stops are not meant to be placed anywhere you want. Too many other factors to consider. Once again, I am convinced that I am easy to persuade. Instead of a full stop, it was a comma. A temporary rest, a break in the sentence. But long term goal remains the same. This is not my home ground. Battling on foreign grounds has its limits. And I am at mine. I believe I have ran a good race, that I have fought a good fight. It was not the best, but it is the best I can offer. And so it is time to let go.

Full Stop

Finally. The day where I put the dot at the end of the sentence. The day when I finally say 'It is done'. I know that this might, or definitely will, disappoint more than one person. Hopefully people will persuade me to continue fighting. To continue writing the story. To withhold the full stop. I hope. That will show that I meant something. Although I don't think that will happen. This is for the good of the many. The unfruitful branches must be cut off in order for the fruitful to grow. Extremist, i agree. What's with the society being built on faith, hope and love. I am putting the full stop today. I am putting it for the good of the majority. It was not an easy decision. But it is a necessary action. I made up my mind. Full stop.

Resolution

Wonder how much can circumstances change a man? It may change his personality, it might change his looks. But it changed my resolution. It is like there is a hulk living inside of me, waiting for enough anger to burst out in all its glory.

This is my stand now. I shall spit fire when I need to, say hurtful stuff if I have to. No more of suffering in silence, no more of keeping quiet and seeing how it goes. No more. Or maybe less, I don't know. I shall just let the raging beast inside surprise me.

You Know Who I Am

I feel so... Betrayed. Although I expect things to go the way I want it, although the end is how I expected it to be, the way it is happening is not. I wanted myself to be the one that admit the end. To say that this is it. To tell that this is as far as I can go. I want to be the one doing it. Me. Now it just feels like I was forced to accept the fact, to swallow the bitter pill. To acknowledge something that I would have done otherwise, just at a different time. I don't know how they feel, maybe they feel guilty as well. Maybe they feel glad that this is finally happening. Maybe they feel. Maybe. But for now, betrayed is what I feel.

And yes, this is affecting my mood in every bloody thing I do. Leading a cell, playing the bass, hanging out with friends, working, I cannot take this out of my mind. It's bugging me, weighing me down, making me feel so insecure. It is making me doubt, making me wary, of everything that is going on, every word said, every action. Feels like everyone is whispering behind my back. And I hate that. We'll see this Friday. I am prepared to drop a few bombs of my own. We'll see.

Watched Ironman 3 just a few hours ago. One scene shows Stark leaving a note behind, saying 'You Know Who I Am'. Identity. He knows who he is. Something that cannot be taken away from him. The fact that he is Ironman. I wish I can do that someday. Knowing who I am. Even if I leave a note to others, they wouldn't even know who I am. They only know what is on the surface. But beneath that suit of armour? Beneath the cocoon that holds the true person underneath? Do you really know who I am? Do I really know who I am?

Hanged out today after watching Ironman. Just didn't want to be alone. I feel so lonely in this world sometimes. With the people I care for doing things behind my back, with people I cannot trust, I don't even know how to live anymore. Just wanted to feel human warmth in the form of a simple friendship. Don't really want to wind up being best friends with a computer named JARVIS and have a whole bunch of metal suits to party with. Although the metal suit part is kind of what is happening now, given the emptiness of the people I care about. So yup, back to the point. I am going to pull the plug on Friday. Can't live on with a metal shard trying to squeeze its way into my heart. Can't live with a ring of light on my chest. It's a terrible privilege, but unlike the heroes on the screen, I don't want to live with it anymore.

Half a year

Been awfully busy lately, to the point of refusing to bring my laptop home to play games. Enough of that screen, and time to touch the iPad. Seriously, why am I working till the point there is no motivation to work anymore? Problems are endless, more problems are created rather than solved, office politics, the list just goes on and on...

On a happier note, it's Thursday, and Friday is coming soon. Weekends, although still busy, keeps me away from all the rubbish that needs to be dealt with at work. Guess this is how life is going to be. Joseph waited for years before his dreams came true and prophecies fulfilled. Years. I cannot even take a few months of this crap, let alone a few years. Patience is what I need now. Divine patience to get past this phase. Or to die in it. Either way works fine now.

People complain about depression. But that is just medicalization at its best. What depression? I hereby call it 'Not being able to deal with shit'. So yup, I am not going to get depression. Going to pull myself together and deal with this shit. I know this is not my usual language, but societal norms have prevented me from being able to express this nicely, so Fuck yea...

Paradise

Oblivion. The title of the movie that brought about some questions which was buried since the movie Inception. What if it was all a lie? What if we were created one second ago, along with all the memories that we have of life as we know it? What if we are working towards a goal that was never there? What if?

Enough of mind boggling thoughts, it is bad enough knowing tomorrow is Monday, lie or not. The thing about movies though, it was always about a person that did not go with the flow, did not abide by the rules. It is always that person who did not follow the regulations that realize that the paradise was an illusion and saves the day and wins the girl. Is it that rewarding to step out of line? Many tried it, only to end up getting 'what they deserved'. Rules are put there for a reason, and not following will result in death, as inspired by The Croods. But is this what we truly deserve? Will going against the social norm really result in imminent catastrophe? We are trained since young to abide by it, but why then are movies telling otherwise? Does the rebel really gain more than the average Joe?

In the end, can we all report through the intercom, saying that we were 'an effective team'?

Reminders

Went over to a friends house today. Thought I was doing them a favour. Ended up getting one. This week has been timely reminders after reminders. Reminder to give thanks for the little things. Reminder to pray for the workplace and work. Reminder of why I am serving in the ministry I am in. Reminder of who I really am. Hearing all those small little testimonies of great works and miracles done by the Supernatural makes me wonder if I had grown numb, became insensitive to the details that I need to notice.

So before I forget, I want to thank God for what I have now. A job that came when I needed one. A cell for me to train as a leader. A ministry to continue to serve God and His people. Family. Friends. Life. And thank God for reminding me to thank Him.

And two things I ask for. Two small wishes that I hope could make me a better person. Wisdom and courage. Wisdom to know how to deal with situations the correct way, Courage to stand up and deal with it. Wisdom to say what is right, Courage to dare to say it. Wisdom to plan, Courage to execute. This is two small things I pray for. And pray for it I shall.

Epic

Never did a day feel so eventful... Too many crazy stuff happened at the same time. An impulsive message, an unweighted reaction, an irrational thought. Sometimes I wonder if sanity exists anymore. Oh wells, too lazy to post about it, especially after dealing with it all...

What I want to point out though, is a quote/verse that has resurfaced recently and I just can't seem to get my mind off it. 1 Corinthians 10:13 - No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. Simply put, that is just the Bible saying 'With Great Power comes Great Responsibility'. Although this verse has mostly been mis-interpreted as saying God will not give us a burden too great for us to bear, let us assume the interpretation today (opinions are for the self, not the community). And it is such a comforting thought knowing that this thing really does happen in sequence. You are not given the Great Responsibility first before getting the power to deal with it. The power comes first. The web slinger gets the ability to shoot webs before he took down his first villain. He didn't have to deal with the Green Goblin without his super powers. And neither did any of the other superheroes. So when the responsibilities come, hold fast to the promise that we have been fully equipped with enough power to deal with it. (Of course, being able to shoot webs accurately comes with practice 😊)

Would like to end this post with an old song from Five for Fighting - Superman. We are all superheroes in our individual lives, to someone out there who looks at you and admires you for who you are. But always remember, even heroes have the right to bleed, the right to dream. It's not easy to be me.

Le Ant

Really interesting thought implanted today. How exactly can we even begin to measure God's love? The closest we can imagine would be us as humans willing to die for the sake of an ant. Like throwing ourselves in front of a speeding train just because an ant is crawling across. How far would you go to save an ant?

Closure

And at last, after 3 years of suffering, of complaining, of stress. After 3 years of friendship, of laughter, of memories. And after more than $30,000 spent in this endeavour, I graduated. Of course I was glad that it is finally over. The nights spent cramming words into an already filled brain, investing in different coloured pens to draw clear and concise graphs, and the endless feast of fast food just to get the right to sit and mug in the restaurant. It is finally over.

And as reality sets in during graduation, one certain student who was given the privilege to mutter is own opinion of his 3 years, quoted Spiderman. Overused phrase, but nonetheless impactful. With great power, comes great responsibility. And that really got me thinking. Yes, it is not exactly great power that we have attained, but we must be prepared for greater responsibilities to come. Life will never be just about memorizing notes. Never again will there be a pop quiz or test to gauge your readiness for what's coming. It is now. Greater power with even greater responsibilities.

Which leaves me with a burning question: What's next? My life has been planned since the day I was born till now, more than 20 years that I have spent being part of someone else's plans. Now it is finally time for me to step on stage. Time for me to say my lines, to play my part, to be the person I trained so hard to be all the way till now. But that question still remains, What exactly is my part? What should I act as? What's next?

The Box

Today's main takeaway from Easter Sunday's sermon, was that we should not let anyone, not even ourselves, trap us in a box. We should not be labelled, should not be contained, should not be fixed. We are meant for more than that silly old box that we hide ourselves in. Watched "The Croods" just now, and the same message was brought across. Unless we step out of our own caves and walk to higher grounds, we will be unable to live the life and experience the things that the dark corners of the cave cannot provide us.

That being said, I personally think that this message should be taken with a pinch of salt. Yes, we can aim for much more, free ourselves from the rules that bind us. But there are certain laws that must be followed. In music, it is advised to be adventurous, creative, and to play beautiful melodies with a hint of tension here and there to add to the flavour of the song. This still does not warrant playing notes or chords outside the progression, playing out of beat, or simply being wrong on purpose. Aside from the freestyle nonsense that we want to be playing, we must understand that freestyle is also bound by certain rules, certain laws, and treading out of it will only be rewarded with unpleasant noise to the ears. I know that giving ourselves limits, putting ourselves in boxes, does not help us grow. But will giving us a huge box to put an egg really help? Or will it just cause the egg to tumble around and eventually crack? Should we start with a small box for the egg, and wait for it to become a chick, before giving it a bigger box to grow in? If so, how big a box is big enough?

Title-less

I am lost.
Took the path rarely chosen.
Took the path at the wrong time.
I am lost.

Maybe there is a better time to take this path.
To prepare myself to walk this road.
But for now, the mistake has been made.
I am lost.

Falling deeper and deeper into this mess.
Dragging the loved ones down with me.
And now when there is no purpose, no goal in mind.
We are lost.

Or maybe not we.
People make plans, change paths when they feel like.
And all that is left is me on this cold, dark path.
I am lost.

I am lost.
Took the path rarely chosen.
Took the path at the wrong time.
I am lost.

Blue Moon

Too much of a good thing really did dilute the utility gained from it. And I thought it was just an economical phenomenon. Took my first half day off work today! And my goodness, it was only a short 4 hours, but the impact was definitely more than 4 hours worth. I mean seriously, all I did was collect my graduation gown and watch a movie during the hours that are usually spent rushing work, discussing ideas, planning projects... All I knew is that when I met my friends for dinner, their immediate response is that I was so cheerful.

And it is true. This is the one weekend that I get to really rest up and do something I want to do. A type of weekend that appears only a couple of times a year. Or once a year, I am not too sure. All I know is that this is a rare opportunity, and there is no way I will not cherish such a well deserved break.

I know that after this weekend, after this 48 more hours, it will be the same hectic schedules all over again. Reality setting back in again, everything running at full speed again. Once again it will be expectations to meet, arrows to dodge, traps to avoid. But during this time, I thank God for the break.

Sacrifice?

Just wondered about a comment made by an acquaintance some time back. According to that source, there are things in life worth fighting for, worth building your entire past, present and future around, worth sacrificing everything for. Of course, as a Christian, the correct answer would be to do all that for God. But I am just a little concerned. What is that God that we are actually sacrificing so much for?

Our God is a jealous God, and there should be no other God in our lives except for Him. If we were to build our lives around anything, it should be for Him, for His works, for His cause. There you have it, the grey area. What exactly is His works? What is the definition of His cause? I am not trying to be too analytical or philosophical or even theological, but the point I want to bring across is that one person's calling is another's curse. We may all strive for that one purpose, to build our lives in accordance to God. But how each one of us build is different. Some uses bricks, some steel, and some even diamonds. But we are all doing the same thing, achieving the same goal, working for the same cause. Who is to say whose building method is wrong?

Being a little bit more specific, the word 'Leader' or 'Mentor' is ultimately just a word. It is not God, and it never should be. Different people view and exercise that differently as well. To judge everyone with the same yardstick will be judging how well a fish climbs a tree. Different people, different sacrifice. But it is still a sacrifice.

Shoes

It shows how much we have grown, it shows how far we have walked. It protects us from external damage, it provides enough friction to walk without falling. We always try to get the most comfortable ones we can find, but we all know that we will grow out of it someday, and will need bigger ones to fit.

But sometimes, just sometimes, these shoes seem too big to fill. Sometimes it feels that I have not grown enough to wear them. Sometimes the wrong fit will expose a person to more injuries, being more prone to falling. Looking back, even though the old pair was getting tight, it was snug, was comfortable, was getting the feel of old shoes, so hard to let go.

There will come another time when once again, the big shoes turn comfortable, another time where change will be necessary. To get a brand new bigger shoe with better friction, to give enough space to grow, to embrace the new. Yes, old shoes are the most comfortable, but no one likes a person wearing the same pair of worn out shoes forever.

So fill up those new shoes. Grow up. Cos the old ones are gone, and new ones are getting bigger.

Saturday

This blog holds much of my deepest, darkest secrets. Things I keep bottled up inside of me with nowhere else to release. This place is where I complain, and I shall do just that today.

It is a Saturday, one which most people spend out having fun with their loved ones, resting the tired bodies from an entire week of torture, or simply doing the things they really wanted. That is most people. Not me. I sacrificed most of my weekends away. Call it a tithe to God, call it an honour, say whatever you want. Cos after years and years of doing this, a tithe becomes a dread, an honour becomes a label. I want to enjoy my Saturday too. I want to hang out with friends, if I had any. I want to spend this sacred day doing what I feel is as important. Serving is important, but I am always at the brink of exhausting myself every single time.

Yes, this period is not easy for me, and it is not going to be easier. So I am going to complain, but I am also going to grit my teeth and ignore the pain. Hang tough.

Looking Back

This blog has been with me for years, and much of the history is embedded deep into it. I seem to be much wiser in the past. The me now feels more like a loser, filled with doubt and misery. The more I think about it, the more I miss my past me. Is change always for the better? De we all move on to a better position? Or is the grass really greener on the other side?

Honestly, I admit to not watering or caring for the grass on my own side. It was always a touch and go for me. Too many people, too many things vie for my attention and time, and I was always proud of the fact that I can make time for all of those things. Seems like it is starting to backfire. Now, I prefer quality time to quantity time, but there is not enough of it to go around.

I apologize to many people that I have let down. To the people I should have spent more time with, to things I should have spent more time doing, I am learning to change, and I pray that I am given the time to. It is now that things need to be done, and the keyword is NOW.

Again

Well here I am again. Yes, once again I see the need to pen down my thoughts somewhere. Once again, I need to seek solace in typing my views out, so as to think better, to think more rationally, to have a plan, to know.

Society has so much expectations. Partially due to self expectations as well (never fail to blame myself in everything). Being burdened by these expectations are sometimes a good thing. There are always positive stress. Stress that pushes you to improve, stress that motivates you. But how often is that occurring? Is it not most of the time where people bring you down, snuff you out, and you are left alone to wonder why. Why is reality harsh, why do roses have thorns. Too many people paint a beautiful picture of life without showing the dark side.

So once again I start entering a post. Once again I want to commit to doing too many things. Once again I have to find somewhere to rant and rave about life's displeasing actions towards me. Until next time, once again I have to get to work.