White Lies

It has been quite a long time since I had done this. To sit down and ponder, think, look back on the past 12 years and ask myself one question: How did I come this far? Of course, there is the model answer of not giving up, striving continually, and keeping the engine warm. And there is also the not so model, yet most of the time true, answer. I sucked it up. Yes, marathons are a test not just on physical endurance, but mental as well. To continue to strive for the same thing for 12 years, one needs that stamina to last long enough. At least long enough for a few years. Yet many are beginners, first time on the field. First time putting on the running shoes, with no prior experience of the nightmare that follows. And that's where it usually happens. People run out of strength to continue. They crumble. They fall. Then there are those who push on, who keep going, who has enough willpower to fend off those negative thoughts. And then there is me. The type who did not exactly give up. Did not fall to the ground and give up. And yet I am not the type that continues running even when I have the strength and stamina to. I walk. See in the long run, momentum is the key. It gets tiring, boring even to do things day in day out, week after week, year after year. And as much as you enjoy it, it slowly becomes a burden at times, crippling you, trapping you. 

Back to the main point though, I sat down to think because I was asked to give a testimony. A sharing of my experiences in serving. Initial thought is: Are you trying to ask me to tell people it's awesome to be a servant for free? No rational person wants to be the servant. Darwin has taught us that it is the survival of the fittest. Climb high. Let others serve you. So what is my experience in serving? Well, save the once in a while moments that take your breath away, that sweeps you off your feet, that makes you feel indestructible, undefeatable, what about the rest of the moments? Moments when you feel lost, feel worthless, feel tired, on the verge of giving up, what about those moments? It wasn't always as bright as happy a picture as it seems. But then again, people smile for pictures.

Sadly to say, Singaporean are all about model answers, and that is what I am going to give them. That life is not perfect, but we can make it perfect. Ideologies that people like to hear blah blah blah. It will still ring of some truths, but not the entire picture. No, it will just be a tiny peek into the beautiful side of the story. I shall keep the dirty stuff to myself, leaving them with a nice white sheet.

Destination Unknown

Give me a direction, and I will run towards it with all my might.

Give me a goal, and I will strive towards it with all my strength.

Give me a reason, and I will live out the dream with all my heart and soul.

But give it to me I pray, give it to me.

Hate feeling this way. Hate feeling lost in the endless race for nothingness.

Hate feeling the emptiness inside. Hate having nothing to fill the void.

And I search, hoping one day I can find the answer to it all. 

To step out of the hamster wheel, to find the last piece of the puzzle.

But Life doesn't work that way, it is not that simple.

So I move on, every step ahead another challenge.

Waiting for the narrow road to appear.

But just as Darkness depends on Light,

The brighter the Light, the darker the Shadow.

Until the day I finally walk out of the shadow, I walk on.

?

Watched 2 movies over the weekend. One was about an alien that gains acceptance in a foreign planet because of his super human strength, speed, flight, xray vision, laser shooting out of his eyes, etc. Another was about 4 street magicians coming together to create a show that is so awesomely planned out so as to get accepted into a group of highly achieved professionals of their trade. Either way, it was both about doing something incredible to others, so as to gain acceptance.

With the shortage of alien genes and the swift fingers to create illusions, I ask, what can be done to gain acceptance? Is it the things you do, the things you say, or even simply being there to let your presence be felt, what is it? Living in the utilitarian world and economic society, we are often judged based on certain qualifications, skills that we have painstakingly nurtured and honed since young, with that one goal, that one aim to fit into society, to be accepted. But what if that was not everybody's goal? What if we strive to be different? The different ones are usually outcasted, viewed by sneering eyes, and lashed with spite. Society tends to have correcting mechanisms that tries to steer every soul to the accepted norms.

And so now when I look back, there was something that I missed out on learning. Something that is so simple yet crucial in living. I don't have courage. Yes, I might have the wisdom of the world, to know what to say, when to say it. But the heart fails. The brain works fine, but deep inside I can't draw out the courage to say things I want to say. Maybe it is due to me worrying more, about consequences, about downsides, about negativity which stops me from trying. Being risk averse has proven to be a natural survival instinct. But what if I don't want to just survive? What if I want to live? What should I say? What should I do? That is the riddle Life provides, and I am so lost right now.

Laos

I am not sure if this applies to everyone, but this is how I feel every time I return from an awesome trip. I think back on all the wonderful moments in that place, and compare them to the bleak life and future I am having now. And it really makes me wonder if I still want to be here. I have sung years and years of patriotic national day songs, recited the pledge thousands of times, and served my time as a national serviceman. But when I flew off into an unknown land, it felt so much more, familiar. The food is better, the services better, everything is that much better than home. 

Take for example this trip to Laos. I was not expecting much, more of enjoying the peace and quiet of a rural countryside was what I expected. Although not exactly a countryside, the stay has showed me a peaceful and quiet side of this forgotten land. Given that it was a low tourist season, it was as though we booked the entire town for ourselves. Many times we were the only people around, be it sightseeing, shopping, or having a meal at a restaurant. 

Now home just feels so crowded, if we are still calling it home that is. Don't really know why I am typing anymore, lost my trend of thought after a Skype call from a friend. But yes, I would love to revisit Laos, and other parts of IndoChina again.

Garang Guni

And here I am, Mr Garang Guni, typing with a spoilt bluetooth keyboard that is abandoned by my boss. Best part, it's still working, and it is FREE! Haha, typical Singaporean. Realised that I have not been posting anything recently, maybe it is due to the workload, coupled with multiple commitments. I am even doing this when I am at work. Oh wells, guess I better head back...