White Lies

It has been quite a long time since I had done this. To sit down and ponder, think, look back on the past 12 years and ask myself one question: How did I come this far? Of course, there is the model answer of not giving up, striving continually, and keeping the engine warm. And there is also the not so model, yet most of the time true, answer. I sucked it up. Yes, marathons are a test not just on physical endurance, but mental as well. To continue to strive for the same thing for 12 years, one needs that stamina to last long enough. At least long enough for a few years. Yet many are beginners, first time on the field. First time putting on the running shoes, with no prior experience of the nightmare that follows. And that's where it usually happens. People run out of strength to continue. They crumble. They fall. Then there are those who push on, who keep going, who has enough willpower to fend off those negative thoughts. And then there is me. The type who did not exactly give up. Did not fall to the ground and give up. And yet I am not the type that continues running even when I have the strength and stamina to. I walk. See in the long run, momentum is the key. It gets tiring, boring even to do things day in day out, week after week, year after year. And as much as you enjoy it, it slowly becomes a burden at times, crippling you, trapping you. 

Back to the main point though, I sat down to think because I was asked to give a testimony. A sharing of my experiences in serving. Initial thought is: Are you trying to ask me to tell people it's awesome to be a servant for free? No rational person wants to be the servant. Darwin has taught us that it is the survival of the fittest. Climb high. Let others serve you. So what is my experience in serving? Well, save the once in a while moments that take your breath away, that sweeps you off your feet, that makes you feel indestructible, undefeatable, what about the rest of the moments? Moments when you feel lost, feel worthless, feel tired, on the verge of giving up, what about those moments? It wasn't always as bright as happy a picture as it seems. But then again, people smile for pictures.

Sadly to say, Singaporean are all about model answers, and that is what I am going to give them. That life is not perfect, but we can make it perfect. Ideologies that people like to hear blah blah blah. It will still ring of some truths, but not the entire picture. No, it will just be a tiny peek into the beautiful side of the story. I shall keep the dirty stuff to myself, leaving them with a nice white sheet.