What now?

Many have asked when I am tendering, quitting this job that has been exploiting me for months, when am I going to go out, stretch my wings and reach my maximum potential. I made it clear that I have promised to stay for at least a year in this job, and that promise expired on the first day of October. Nonetheless, I am continuing at this job because 1. there might be a year end bonus, you never know, 2. I believe job market should be better start of next year, so quit then and start looking then, and 3. I have more things to worry about (church camp), so I rather hold a job that allows me to worry about those stuff even during working hours.

I am a rational human being. This is my choice. As much as my inner self struggles to get out, to rage quit, to just let go now, I know that it is best to follow the planned route. There is so much more to life than selling time for money. 

Break

Been some time since I updated here, since no one reads it anyway. But since it is my way of keeping track of life, here goes.

I made up a perfect analogy of the current workplace situation last night. Previously, when there are two directors in the company, it was like the perfect situation. The angel and the devil, the good guy vs the bad guy, Light vs Darkness. It was a state of equilibrium where we can go to the angel after being ill treated by the devil, complaining, and at least get a listening ear to our problems, knowing that someone on the upper level knows what is going on and is willing to offer us a helping hand. 

About 2 months ago that angel left. What remains is the devil and his hellhole. And no one likes to live in hell. This is the worst possible situation to ever be in. To know that you are being paid too little, overworked, assigned tasks that are not in your scope of work and totally not related to your expertise, with only a reason saying 'I AM GIVING YOU A CHANCE TO LEARN'. Pardon my language, but fuck that shit, I am not staying for this crap.

Trying to be a rational human being, quitting after getting a bonus (which I highly doubt, given the poor performace of the company after Mr Angel left, and the devil being one that does not even pay the least attention to details such as public holidays, off in lieu, pay slips, etc.). Hopefully my already wearing thin patience can last just 7 weeks more...

Here we go again

Supper with a friend late at night is just so heart warming. To be able to sit down and chill, talk nonsense, and share your heart out about how shitty work is, how terrible life is, this is how life should be. But more importantly, to encourage and to be encouraged. To know that someone out there is still concerned about your wellbeing and that you mean something to someone. Remember how humans are all social animals? That will never change. And the satisfaction from knowing that you have played your social role well is so heart warming.

Encouragement. People are so stingy with it nowadays. With Asian culture being taught as 'pointing out flaws and things to correct' being the way for improvement to happen, praise is becoming a rare commodity. With a simple few words that could spur someone on to greater heights, why not choose the nice ones? Not saying that harsh words will not help, some do achieve greater things through being put down by others, but it is really just that few words that someone acknowledges and recognises your efforts that makes unbearable tasks seem a bit more bearable.

So encourage someone today. Give credit when credit is due. And may the world be a better place to live in for a while more.

Welcome to my Life

Do you ever feel like breaking down? Do you ever feel out of place? Like somehow you just don't belong, and no one understands you? Out of all the songs that speak to me, that makes me agree with the lyrics, and playing it over and over again only reinforces the point. So when this song surfaced from the playlist, I had some time to reflect on the lyrics. And as much as I wish to say that, as a Christian, Jesus knows me well enough, and that nothing else matters, I can't. I am human after all. Through billions of years of evolution, Homo Sapiens have come to put herd behaviour as an important part of survival. No one lives well alone. They can live, just not well. It is that much easier and better to group together. Humans yearn other humans. Be it communication, be it companionship, or be it someone that is physically there, even introverts need, and want to be around people. 

And what would be the next step? To be part of the group. To belong. To have a common ground shared with that trusted few. To form bonds. Guess I am getting too carried away. At the end of the day, like how the song goes: To be hurt. To feel lost. To be left out in the dark. To be kicked when you're down. To feel like you've been pushed around. To be on the edge of breaking down, and no one's there to save you. No you don't know what it's like. Welcome to my life.

Pacific Rim

To fight monsters, we created monsters of our own. That sentence is stuck in my head, ringing true every time I think about it. In this cruel world we live in, we suit up in our Jaegers daily, and march forth into the battlefield. We restart to war clock every 24 hours, we kill off gigantic aliens to survive, and at the end of each day we return to count our losses, repair our mechs, bend our wounds. And that 24 hours is up and the clock starts ticking again.

It is no wonder that we created monsters. The environment is harsh and hostile, and living will be impossible in such places. So we suck it up, we grew stronger. We started building ourselves up, training to be the creature that can survive. Darwin is right, only the fittest survives. So we build the toughest looking giant robot we can and stroll into war zone.

Funny thing about this movie is at the end of it all, when they were about to destroy the world the giant lizard/alien/godzilla and the portal in which they came from, it shows a world not too different than ours. So in this war, who is really right? Who has the authority to kill off the other species and be the last one standing? That's right. Whoever created the stronger monster.

White Lies

It has been quite a long time since I had done this. To sit down and ponder, think, look back on the past 12 years and ask myself one question: How did I come this far? Of course, there is the model answer of not giving up, striving continually, and keeping the engine warm. And there is also the not so model, yet most of the time true, answer. I sucked it up. Yes, marathons are a test not just on physical endurance, but mental as well. To continue to strive for the same thing for 12 years, one needs that stamina to last long enough. At least long enough for a few years. Yet many are beginners, first time on the field. First time putting on the running shoes, with no prior experience of the nightmare that follows. And that's where it usually happens. People run out of strength to continue. They crumble. They fall. Then there are those who push on, who keep going, who has enough willpower to fend off those negative thoughts. And then there is me. The type who did not exactly give up. Did not fall to the ground and give up. And yet I am not the type that continues running even when I have the strength and stamina to. I walk. See in the long run, momentum is the key. It gets tiring, boring even to do things day in day out, week after week, year after year. And as much as you enjoy it, it slowly becomes a burden at times, crippling you, trapping you. 

Back to the main point though, I sat down to think because I was asked to give a testimony. A sharing of my experiences in serving. Initial thought is: Are you trying to ask me to tell people it's awesome to be a servant for free? No rational person wants to be the servant. Darwin has taught us that it is the survival of the fittest. Climb high. Let others serve you. So what is my experience in serving? Well, save the once in a while moments that take your breath away, that sweeps you off your feet, that makes you feel indestructible, undefeatable, what about the rest of the moments? Moments when you feel lost, feel worthless, feel tired, on the verge of giving up, what about those moments? It wasn't always as bright as happy a picture as it seems. But then again, people smile for pictures.

Sadly to say, Singaporean are all about model answers, and that is what I am going to give them. That life is not perfect, but we can make it perfect. Ideologies that people like to hear blah blah blah. It will still ring of some truths, but not the entire picture. No, it will just be a tiny peek into the beautiful side of the story. I shall keep the dirty stuff to myself, leaving them with a nice white sheet.

Destination Unknown

Give me a direction, and I will run towards it with all my might.

Give me a goal, and I will strive towards it with all my strength.

Give me a reason, and I will live out the dream with all my heart and soul.

But give it to me I pray, give it to me.

Hate feeling this way. Hate feeling lost in the endless race for nothingness.

Hate feeling the emptiness inside. Hate having nothing to fill the void.

And I search, hoping one day I can find the answer to it all. 

To step out of the hamster wheel, to find the last piece of the puzzle.

But Life doesn't work that way, it is not that simple.

So I move on, every step ahead another challenge.

Waiting for the narrow road to appear.

But just as Darkness depends on Light,

The brighter the Light, the darker the Shadow.

Until the day I finally walk out of the shadow, I walk on.